Sorry. Past eleven days have absolutely flown past. Just to get you up to speed.

23rd of January - Typed up a bit of stuff written in India.

24th of January – Out of bed around 8ish. Sat in front of computer at 9ish and began sorting out images for portfolio for website. Day somehow vanishes.

25th of January - Out of bed around 8ish. Sat in front of computer and continued working on portfolio.

26th of January – Mums birthday. Realised that I didn’t really need to take 3 skirts, 2 pairs of jeans, 3 jumpers, 4 t-shirts 2 cardigans 3 pairs of shoes and assorted underwear as I was; A. only going to be there for the weekend and B. Was going to have to carry my own bag since F not going. Whittled contents down to 2 skirts, 1 pair of jeans, 2 t-shirts, 2 cardigans and 2 pairs of shoes (obviously kept all the assorted underwear)

Sat for too long reading at kitchen table meaning I had to run for bus and then sprint along Princes Street. Well not really sprint, I don’t do running on account of the fact that practically every other member of my bloody family does. But I did walk really fast (for Edinburgh – it would have had people tutting at my meandering gait should I have walked at that speed on Oxford Street) Got to Waverley Station with 10 minutes to spare. Bloody Fast Ticket machine broke down and threatened to eat my card but backed down and spat it back out after I cursed and kicked it (much to the merriment of a bunch of Italian tourists standing nearby) Joined queue at ticket desk.

Made it to platform 2 and got on train with three minutes to spare. Left bags on seat; stood on train step and had 3 drags on a cigarette before being told by guard that smoking was now utterly forbidden in any platform of a Scottish Station even if said platform was outdoors. Realised it was the first time I’d been anywhere in this town since the smoking ban came in force – last year. On the bright side, this was the one occasion is where being able to say “I’m really terribly sorry” in an English accent came in useful in Scotland – as he let me off the 30 quid fine.

Sat on train for an hour and three quarters. Drank tea.

Pitched up in Newcastle. Went to catch bus. Bus fare has gone up £1.15 since the last time I got a bus from town to mums (ten years). Only had £1.85 in purse, driver let me off the last ten pence as they don’t take bank cards. Got to the Gill. Got off bus, went to Tesco’s to get stuff for mums birthday cake (800gms ground almonds, 800gms of Green and Blacks plain chocolate, 8 eggs, butter = bloody expensive birthday cake). Called in at florists to arrange flowers for mums birthday (tulips, lots of), sweet talked them into delivering them as I had to walk up to J and M’s to pick up key to mums (I’ve never had a key for home since she took it off me for being late for my 21st birthday party). Forgot that the walk up from Gill to J and M’s is a nightmare to speed walk especially when wearing high-heeled boots and carrying 3 bags of shopping, a handbag and an overnight bag. Made it to J and M’s eventually. Had cup of tea. Picked up key. J gave me a lift up rest of bank. Got home.

Stove not on. Lit stove. Shoved bag up in my room, took off coat and boots, left them on my staircase (round the corner so it looks like I’d put them away). Started making mums birthday cake. Learnt that attempting to melt 800grams of dark chocolate = chocolate everywhere but especially all over the brand new white not painted only primed wood units. Mum walks in while I’m juggling beating eggs and sugar to white froth, stopping chocolate in pan from burning, mopping up escaping chocolate and keeping bloody stove supplied with coke. Make mum a cup of coffee and give her a hug (in that order – you need to give mum ten minutes unwind time when she gets in from work). She asks what’s going on with chocolate melting as there seems to be rather a lot of it. I tell her that’s what the recipe says. She looks at recipe and points out that I’ve misread my own handwriting and its not 800grams of chocolate/almonds but 8oz which is considerably less and makes more sense as the butter/eggs proportion is that of a sponge cake. Flowers finally arrive. Wish mum a happy birthday.

Cake finally gets made. Pick up Auntie V (my godmother/Jboys mum) and drive to Chinese take-away in Burnopfield. Get take-away, eat take-away, A.V gets cab home at 11pm. Split another bottle of wine with mum and settle down to a good talk. Crawl to bed around 2ish

Saturday 27th of January. Mum and I supposed to be going to town to look at clothes. I really need some shoes (no, I really do –something I can wear with long skirts, I’m thinking Edwardian’ish either laces or button fastening with Louis quinze heels, possibly in either aubergine or brown leather/calfskin) and there are no decent shoe shops in Edinburgh, mum needs some new tops. We don’t quite get round to getting there – by the time we’ve decided what to wear (going to Newcastle is very much a dressing up occasion) and then realised we have to pick up Grandma at 4 we decide to go tomorrow instead.

Spend most of day sitting at kitchen table reading. Read the Devil Wears Prada – don’t bother, some book by the woman who wrote Fried Green Tomatoes - quite good, and the Poisonwood Bible – very very good). Can’t remember what mum read, but she said it wasn’t very good. Go to Grandma S’s at 4pm to pick her up for church. We all decide not to go to church, GS tired, mum getting a stinking cold, churches make me cry. Buy fish and chips instead. Give GS some birthday cake (which turned out beautifully in the end), and a glass of herebes whisky. Take her home around 7ish. Have some more whisky at Grandmas (special reserve stuff) and a glass of her homemade raspberry gin (because it’s good for me). Call in at Auntie V’s as P supposed to be there. No P. But have coffee at V’s. Get home.

Sunday 28th January. Mum’s cold much worse so no Newcastle. Make Sunday dinner. Spend rest of day at kitchen table reading while mum does work for school. Auntie R turns up with 2 jars of homemade marmalade and a jar of Norfolk chutney for me. No idea why she’s trying to bribe me with homemade preserves but I’m not complaining. Not to be outdone, mum adds 3 jars of plum jam and 2 jars of mango chutney (also homemade). J arrives with A and R – the gorgeous goddaughters. J appropriates a jar each of my jam and mango chutney and, by the time A and R have gone through my make-up bag I’ve also lost 2 lipsticks, a green glittery eye shadow and the hearing in my right ear. Have somehow also been talked into cat sitting Geli (mums psycho kitten) when she goes to visit herebe at half-term. Hand will have recovered by then I suppose.

Monday 29th of January. Get up with mum at 6.30am. See her off to work, do dishes, feed cat. Pack bag. Sit at kitchen table reading until 9am when it’s time to get bus into Newcastle. Faint on bus (no not sure why – but it was very hot and crowded). Wobble into station and realise I have an hour and a half to spare before train arrives so buy large white coffee (not latte – I don’t believe in them) and sit and smoke and smoke and smoke and smoke (because I can). Get on train.

Arrive in Edinburgh. F picks me up at station, get back home. Have coffee. Go to sleep.

Tuesday 30th January – Woke up at 7.30. Put washing in machine, do dishes, Hoover. Sit down in front of computer and continue work on bloody portfolio. Thoroughly sick of it all by now.

Wednesday 31st January – Wake up at 10am…go on guess what I did for the rest of the day.

Thursday 1st February – Slept in. Woke up at 8am but really couldn’t face bloody Unilever document. Who’s bright idea was it to create a front cover which features a kitchen, all cupboard/fridge doors open and every single product they manufacture on the shelves. Oh yes…I remember mine. Genius. That’s what I am. Bloody genius.

Friday 2nd February - Spent entire day sitting in front of computer attempting to learn how to use indesign. Managed to complete (finally) bloody Unilever cover.

Saturday 3rd February - ? Woke up. Grabbed mug of coffee. Sat in front of computer at 10am. It’s now 19.16. And the day has gone, where? Am now going to off licence to buy some red wine. Should really have something to eat too I suppose.

Promise I’ll type up the next bit of India stuff tomorrow.

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