Making like Kurt Vonnegut
MTV has just pissed me off - no they weren’t playing the Darkness again -and by the way am I getting old? are they a joke band? - or did A&R’s in their wisdom decide to splice all the high notes from Iron Maiden and Saxon outtakes, cobble together an outfit out of the bits Roger Daltrey circa Woodstock and Freddie Mercury circa anytime in the nineteen seventies had left in wardrobe and throw it on some unsuspecting guy who makes Lemmy look good - (yeah I’m probably old - I don’t object to it being loud - I just object to it being bad.) Touching yooouhoo - I don’t think so, its one thing to have dirty rock stars, its another thing for them to look seedy. Please someone - take the lead singer and persuade him to use some of his advance to buy a tub of sensations (the remainder of the last jar looked like he used firegold). Trouble is that I have a soft spot for Ozzy ( ever since I realised that probably the only song I can sing in tune is “Bark at the Moon”) so when I’m flicking through the channels I will stop if I turn on to the Osbornes.
The reason for the rhetoric tonight though wasn’t the dubious music MTV plays (oh yes I will defend the judges on pop idol - but it doesn’t mean I like the current state of the music industry) it was an advert.
Cue grainy black and white film of designer downtown…cut to shot of three girls wandering down street like their touting for trade…
“This is Anna” splashed across extreme close up of prettiest of the three (ruffled blonde hair, big eyes, micro mini, cropped top, wonderbra)
Cut to shot of dodgy looking tattoo parlour and girls nervously giggling at window.
“She’s 17″ Well hadn’t we already guessed that - just old enough for it to be legal to show her looking like a penthouse pet but not so old that you’d suspect she might not be a virgin.
“She dares” Anna goes into tattoo parlour. Friends giggle nervously outside. Close-up of tattoo designs inside.
Rough, ugly looking, pierced everywhere shop owner (the usual stereotype) sees them looking in and pulls curtain so that Anna can no longer be seen. Shock horror - what is the nasty man going to do to poor Anna who dares.
Anna comes out with tattoo on shoulder - neat little rose of course not fucking big swastika…
“she doesn’t smoke.”
Anna giggles, pouts and peels off tattoo - ( what a relief…it was a temporary tattoo, I was worried there for a moment)
OK an anti-smoking advert - again - which was the straw that relit the Camel. Cos you know what - I smoke. I don’t mind being relegated to the worst seat in a restaurant, to the outside of a building or in an overcrowded carriage on a train. I don’t smoke next to children even if their parents are smokers, I don’t smoke in non-smoking areas, I don’t smoke in no-smokers houses unless they give their express permission and even then I tend to smoke outside, I don’t smoke if I’m surrounded by non-smokers - I don’t even smoke next to people at a fucking bus-stop if they aren’t smoking. I smoke where we smokers are now permitted to smoke - mainly my own home or in a strong breeze ten miles away from anyone else.
I know the health risks associated with smoking. Yet I still choose to smoke. Its called free will. I have no problem with government health warnings on my cigarettes telling me that I’m shortening my life. In fact I’m grateful for their concern, it’s nice to see the 80% tax I’m paying on a packet of cigarettes is going to such a noble cause as opposed to being spent on invading oil rich third world countries so that we can brown nose our American buddies.
All I would like is some parity. I’m offended by the drunken morons who scream outside my window at closing time, I’m offended by the number of violent crimes that are caused by alcohol, I’m concerned about the health problems associated with even moderate drinking (which by the way is a damn sight lower than you think) but are we having post pubescent (just) sex goddesses telling us that it’s not cool to drink because you’ll turn into a brainless aggressive moron? does a bottle of tequila carry a health warning slashed across its label? They should - but I haven’t seen those ad’s (although I’ll give the Scottish Health service their due and say that they do have a few toe curlingly embarrassing ones aimed at the under 16’s)
Because alcohol is associated with the following health risks;
“…mouth, pharyngeal and oesophageal cancers (this risk being greatly increased if combined with smoking). Furthermore, alcohol probably increases the risk of colorectal and breast cancer, high blood pressure; gastrointestinal complications, such as gastritis, ulcers, and liver disease; and a depletion of certain vitamins and minerals are all caused by alcohol consumption. Of course, excessive alcohol can also have detrimental social and psychological consequences…”
Yes I know its responsible for detrimental social and psychological consequences - I hear the soap opera outside my window at about 12.30 every night.
I haven’t seen those ads. Or the ones about junk food? Is the government cutting back on the number of fast food places that litter ( literally) out high streets, does a big Mac have a health warning? Does all our food have absolutely everything it contains labelled and if it does is there an easily accessible booklet telling us what the e-numbers and scientific names actually mean along with some statistics letting us know their long term effects. Do overweight people have to bear the slings and arrows of the self-righteous telling them that they’re slowly killing themselves. They should since obesity is responsible for over 30,000 deaths per year.
“Obesity is the most important dietary factor in chronic diseases such as cancer, cardiovascular disease and type 2 diabetes. Obesity is second only to smoking as a cause of cancer. People who are overweight or obese are more likely to suffer from coronary heart disease, type 2 diabetes, gallstones, arthritis, high blood pressure and some types of cancer. Women are more likely to have complications during and after pregnancy. World Health Organisation has predicted that one of the consequences of the global epidemic of obesity will be 300 million people with Type 2 diabetes by 2025.”
I could go on. I really could, do you want to know about the long term effects of HRT, about the free oestrogen’s that are contained in the plastic our foods wrapped in - the sort that are associated with an increase in endometriosis in women, the danger of idiots who’ve passed their driving test but aren’t safe on the roads, the danger from the leader we vote into our country every four or so years - yeah you remember him - the guy with the plucked eyebrows and the lavender marriage, the one that’s sentencing people to a death right now that’s way quicker than smoking 20 cigarettes a day. I could go on - the list is endless…but just thinking about it has got me so pissed off I’m going to lie down, listen to Quadrophenia and commit suicide the Kurt Vonnegut way