My eyesight is definitely getting worse. It wasn’t that good to start with and now, all those years of reading by the landing light after mum switched the light off coupled with all the years spent staring into a computer screen (in the dark – I can’t bear to have the lights on when I’m at the computer – I even have the shutters closed during the day) have taken what was bog standard short sightedness and turned it into something that makes Monet look like a draughtsman. I know it’s my own fault. As a child I was supposed to wear glasses, and refused on the grounds that they made me look “fucking awful” (my exact words)

Obviously, once I was older I got rid of such stupid and vain notions and when I learnt to drive (that’s “learnt” to drive and not “passed my test” in case either herebe or jboy pull me up on this, although I did get up to driving through London during rush hour which isn’t bad for a learner driver) I did go to get my eyes tested and spent ready money on a proper, nice (or as nice as 2 pieces of glass and a bit of bent wire can get) pair of glasses. I didn’t want to. I can think of much better things to do with a pile of cash than spend it on being able to see clearly – but the DVLA gets really sniffy about things like being able to see pedestrians and other vehicles, although and lets be honest here – if the pedestrians and other vehicles can see you then they can get out of the way. I could have bought contact lenses but I don’t believe in them. Everyone I know who wears lenses seems to spend half their lives either taking them out because there’s some dust trapped behind them, putting them in the morning or scrabbling around on the floor trying to find the one that’s fallen out. Actually, that’s not quite true. F wears contact lenses and never seems to have any trouble with them. Admittedly that’s because he uses the daily sort which he changes on average every 4 years or so but they don’t seem to give him any bother (although that’s probably because they’ve fused to his eyeball by now).

So, having spent ready money on a pair of glasses, I came home put them on and looked in the mirror. The difference was amazing! Do you know what it felt like to see clearly after so many years of blurred out of focus vision? Colours were brighter, edges sharper; shapes that were only blurs fall into focus. You can see the world clearly and it’s fucking awful. For a start you can see yourself. You see what you look like when you have myopia is a smooth skinned, big eyed beauty with a face framed by a cloud of pre-Raphaelite hair. When you put glasses on you can not only see every pore, wrinkle and spot, but the big eyes are hidden behind bigger lenses and pre-Raphaelite becomes unbrushed. As if that wasn’t a big enough shock you can also see the rest of the world. And it’s smaller. And dirtier. And fucking awful.

That was it for me. I ripped off the glasses and threw them into the furthest recess of my makeup bag (and believe me that’s a very long way) and there they have languished ever since.

But last night as I lay on the sofa watching telly I became conscious that the images weren’t as sharp as they normally were. It was a crap programme so I didn’t care much but the blurriness did register somewhere in my brain. “Of course” I said to myself “I’ve been working in front of a high resolution computer screen for at least 10 hours a day for the past 5 years. On top of which, most of it has been design work so its not even as if I’m bashing away typing cos then you don’t really have to look at the screen. I have to really stare at the screen. It’s bound to have some effect on the vision. Your eyes are tired. Best thing to do is to try to spend less time at the computer” It would be difficult (read - impossible) but I decided to do just that. Thus consoled, I did what every normal person with a pair of glasses in her makeup bag would do. I dragged a couple of cushions off the sofa and lay on the floor closer to the TV. Problem solved.

Or so I thought. I woke up late this morning. I’m supposed to start work at nine so this means that I’m usually up and about by at least 5 to. This morning I woke up at 20 past. Ok so the office is within walking distance (about 12 paces) but I do try not to take the piss. Still in my pjs, not waiting to brush my teeth I dashed into the kitchen, grabbed a coffee and logged in. Luckily my vpn token was exactly where I’d left it the night before – balanced on the top of the keyboard. Usually when I’m late I’ lose it and have to spend ages looking for it. I lit a fag, slugged my coffee and started to work on a presentation (no shutters closed when I work on stuff for work cos kitchen doesn’t have shutters). No problems. After about an hour into it I started to blink. Things looked a bit blurry. “Right” I thought “You’ve been working an hour – time for a break for your eyes”. Feeling very self righteous (Hurray for H the health conscious) I moved away from the computer and noticed that it was a dull and grey day and the rest of the room looked a bit dark so I switched the light on. I washed up, made some fresh coffee (the benefit from working at home is proper coffee on tap) and then got back to work. Things seemed fine. I was whizzing through the presentation doing the quick bits – aligning titles, resizing graphics, doing the bits that you really don’t need to think about and I wasn’t. All done in a trice. I moved onto the next stage – delivering the “wow factor” (I kid you not – my job description clearly states that I have to deliver the “wow” factor.) This is the bit where I start to get creative. It’s my favourite bit of any job – the creative bit. Except, I couldn’t see the screen properly. Graphics that I knew were sharp (because I’d made them sharp) looked soft and blurry, as if I’d put an impressionist filter on them. I took another break. Sat back down. No change. It was probably the screen. LCD screens are buggers if the light hits them wrong. Especially when the colours you’re using are gradient shades of pale blue, white and soft grey. I moved the screen. No change. I moved it again. No change. Perhaps I was sickening for something. I didn’t feel ill but my vision was definitely the way your vision goes when you’re coming down with flu. I sat for five minutes wondering how ill I felt. I didn’t really feel ill. Tired maybe but that was cos I didn’t go to sleep till 3 (rereading Adam Bede). Maybe I wasn’t really tired? Maybe I was sickening for something and the tiredness wasn’t because I’d only had 4 hours sleep? Maybe it was the start of something serious? Maybe I really had fucked my eyes. Maybe my mum was right? She had been saying for months that I spent too long in front of a computer? Had all this work on computers made me blind? Could I claim compensation? How could I prove it? I like Labradors but how would the real Hendrix Cat cope with a dog in the house? She’d eat it for breakfast. How would F cope with a blind girlfriend? Probably very well. I wouldn’t see it when he left his socks on the floor so I wouldn’t nag him anymore. How would I cope with being blind? Even if I got compensation from my job? Very badly. No point in being rich if you can’t see what you’re spending the money on? What was I going to do? Oh God what was I going to do? I put my head in my hands, pushing the computer away from me in despair and dislodging the token from its perch. It was at that point I noticed a little red flashing light on the top right hand corner of my keyboard. A little red flashing light in the shape of a battery. I’d forgotten to plug the fucking laptop in. 240 volts doesn’t half sharpen things up for you.

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